Perfect Pot
by Da Jesus
Summary: Another fic in my traditional twisted-humor style...try and enjoy it :)


***Perfect Pot ***  
  
Author's Notes: Racial stereotypes to be found :) I wrote this because I have a hell of a lot of spare time on my hands. Written in one sitting. Longest fic I've ever written in my life, nevermind the fact that it's damn short.   
  
If you don't like twisted humor, I suggest you leave now, as this fic hsa far more than its fair share :P But what do you expect from a rabid Gendo Ikari fan that hates Shinji/Rei/Asuka...  
  
  
  
***BOOK ONE: GENDO IKARI IS ONE BADASS MUTHA***  
  
  
Gendo: Hmm. Seems like SEELE's planning to launch a full-scale attack on us.  
Fuuyutsuki: Fa sho. We're gonna romp on deir cracka ass if dey attack us.  
Gendo: Damn straight, foo. We gonna Bruce Lee their ass dowwwwn, dogg.  
Fuuyutsuki: Fa sho.   
  
[A screen beside them suddenly comes alive, the images of the SEELE monoliths appearing.]  
  
SEELE 01: Ikari. What is the current stage of the Project?  
Gendo: It is progressing as planned. We are only slightly behind schedule.  
SEELE 02: Be careful, Ikari. Don't lie to us.  
Gendo: Both me and Fuuyutsuki know nothing of any unscheduled occurances.  
SEELE 01: ...very well.  
  
[The screen returns to darkness.]  
  
Gendo: [irritated] Mang, does SEELE crackas ain't got shit.  
Fuuyutsuki: Fa sho. You got da deal down?  
Gendo: [nodding] Hell yes, brother. Ain't Ritsuko-be-atch gonna be surprised when she parks dat damn fine ass inside Evangelion Unit 06 to have a look inside?  
Fuuyutsuki: Fa sho.  
  
  
***  
  
Shinji: M-misato...  
Misato: Yeah?  
Shinji: What is my father doing at NERV right now?  
Misato: He's currently going through all the procedural paperwork for the arrival of Evangelion Unit 06 and the Sixth Child.  
  
[cut: NERV HQ]  
  
Gendo: Mang, dat Maya has a damn fine ass.  
Fuuyutsuki: Fa sho.   
  
[end cut]  
  
Shinji: Eva Unit 06?! The Sixth Child?!  
Misato: Yeah, from Italy.  
Shinji: Italy?! Didn't we bomb them back into the stone age yet?  
Misato: Nahh.  
Shinji: Oh yeah...whats the Sixth Child like?  
Misato: Dunno, haven't met him. We can go now, if you want.  
Shinji: Umm, okay.  
  
  
***  
  
  
Ritsuko: Shinji, this is Mario and his guardian, Salvatore. Mario, this is Shinji and his guardian, Misato.  
Mario: [in Italian] Ehh, Salvatore, look at the skinnny shit.  
Salvatore: [in Italian] Yeah, but look at da chick, Mario. Damn fine ass.  
Mario: [in Italian] Fa sho.  
  
[Shinji steps forward, a smile on his face.]  
  
Shinji: Hi, I'm Shinji.  
Mario: Yes, I all ready knew that you fool.  
Shinji: Oh...hey, get your hands out of my pockets!   
Mario: Ehhh, in the old country we didn't have what you call 'personal space'.  
Shinji: [angrily] Well this is Japan, not Italy.  
Mario: [under his breath] No shit, Sherlock. [out loud] True, true.  
Salvatore: [looking at Misato] Do you have a bit of Italian in you?  
Misato: Oh, no.  
Salvatore: Do you _want_ a bit of Italian in you?  
  
  
***  
  
  
Ritsuko: I'm sorry, sir. But when we tried to remove the S2 Engine from the new Unit 06, all we found was over 500 kilos of...weed.  
Gendo: [angrily] What?! How could you have let this happen?  
Ritsuko: I don't know.   
Gendo: ...In any case, we must make do of the situation. Send all 500 kilos of it here immediately.  
Ritsuko: [confused] Yes, sir.  
Gendo: Dismissed.  
  
[Ritsuko leaves.]  
  
Gendo: foo, are we bitchin' or WHAT?  
Fuuyutsuki: Fa sho. It was a killer brain freeze that gave us that idea.  
Gendo: Right on'. Better get smokin', I'm thinkin' too rationally right now!!  
Fuuyutsuki: Fa sho.  
  
  
***  
  
  
Rei: Sky. Blue sky. So empty. Grass. Green grass. So many. So many useles-  
Mario: Sorry to bust up your annoyingly repetitive pointless whining, but it's irritating those that HAVE souls, so quit it before I blast your ass.  
  
[Rei subsides into quietness again.]  
  
Shinji: [whispering to Misato] What's up with HIM? That time of the month again for him or something?  
Misato: He's just pissed off because he couldn't pilot his Eva.  
Shinji: Why not?  
Misato: [laughing] Some smartass replaced the S2 Engine with 500 kilos of prime Cuban Marijuana.  
  
[Shinji laughs loudly. Mario turns and glares at him.]  
  
Mario: [under his breath in Italian] I swear, the next time he laughs me, I'll rip his spine out of his ass and choke him with it!! [out loud in Japanese, a forced smile on his face] Yes, yes, very funny, no?  
  
Misato: Well, it's good to know that you can take a joke. Say, where's Asuka?  
Shinji: She went to-  
  
[Asuka walks in, humming a tune.]  
  
Asuka: Hi Misato...hey, who's the guy with the mustache?  
Misato: [cringing] Uhh...that's Mario, the Sixth Child.  
Asuka: No shit. Sure he's not just a pizza delivery boy?  
Mario: [under his breath in Italian] Careful, Mario. Control your anger...[out loud in Japanese, a forced smile on his face] Yes, yes, very funny, no?  
Shinji: Wow. That's the exact same response you gave last time. Hey, where's Salvatore?  
Asuka: Who?  
Mario: [interrupting] Salvatore, my guardian. Strange, he didn't come to sleep at our apartment last night. [he looks accusingly at Misato]  
Misato: Hey, I couldn't stave off his wild advances at me all day, could I?  
  
***  
  
Gendo: f-f-foo...i-i'm stoked...  
Fuuyutsuki: ...f-f-fa shh-shh-oo...  
  
[The screen beside them comes to life, displaying the SEELE monoliths.]  
  
Gendo: [cursing a blue streak under his breath and signaling to Fuuyutsuki to sit up straight] A-ah...K-kihl. S-ss-o n-nice o-of y-you t-to j-join u-us...  
SEELE 01: [thinking: Ah, he quivers in fear to see us!] Yes. We have heard that Unit 06's activation did not go as planned?  
Gendo: N-n-no....t-technical error  
SEELE 01: [watching the sweat drip down Gendo's face] Understood...[under his breath] Fear me, Ikari, hohohohahaha...fear me!  
  
[The screen returns to darkness.]  
  
Gendo: m-mang...I-I handled d-dat s-s-mooth...  
Fuuyutsuki: ff-f-fa sho....  
  
  
***  
  
  
Ritsuko: Activate Unit 06.  
Shigeru: There we go.  
Ritsuko: Synchronization ratio?  
Maya: Hmm. All I can see is a giant pizza slice.  
Ritsuko: All right, all right. Enough with the Italian jokes. Seriously.  
Maya: Heh heh heh...not bad, really. Pretty good, considering the lasagna was undercooked-  
Ritsuko: Maya.  
Maya: pff...fine...It's at like 300%.  
  
[The members of the room gasp in shock.]  
  
Maya: Did I say 300, coz I meant 30.  
  
Ritsuko: Dammit, this is getting out of hand...  
  
  
***  
  
  
Misato: I'm disappointed with your score, Mario. Try harder, or we may not use you in combat.  
Mario: [out loud] Yes, Misato. [Under breath, in Italian] Aye, you sushi-sucking whore!  
Shinji: What was my score, Misato?  
Mario: [Under breath, in Italian] The word 'score' shouldn't be used in ANY context with you, you skinny shit!  
Misato: You're in the mid 70's, Shinji. Same with Asuka.  
Rei: May I ask what I recieved?  
Mario [under breath, in Italian] No, you may not, you walking corpse!  
Misato: High 60's, Rei.  
  
  
***  
  
Salvatore: Ehh, this country sucks. The women are too suspicous of dark, handsome foreigners.   
Mario: Yeah. And the people are freaks. That skinny shit is annoying. That girl with the blue hair, she's just...WRONG. And that stupid bitch with the red hair, man, I wish I could strangle her. That Misato is pissing me off too.  
  
[Salvatore nods.]  
  
Salvatore: She has a damn fine ass, though.   
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Gendo: Mang, looks like we burnt up' all our weed, brother.  
Fuuyutsuki: Fa sho. What we be smoking up now, foo?  
Gendo: 'dunno, mang. Let's be assertin' ow authority, brother.  
Fuuyutsuki: Fa sho.  
  
[The two men walk up into the NERV main control.]  
  
Gendo: SUP DOGGS! WE BE ASSERTIN' OW AUTHORITY!  
  
Shigeru: Uhhh...continue...  
  
  
  
***END OF BOOK ONE***  
  
Hope I didn't disturb you too much.  
  
To all of you Gendo fans, peace my brothers!  
To the rest of you, well, later dogg :P  
  
By Da Jesus  
Da_Jesus@start.com.au   
  
...persistent little bastard, isn't he... 


End file.
